


Petty

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Bucky and Sam Remain Petty [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky thinks he's winning, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Humor, Petty!Bucky, Petty!Sam, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Prank Wars, So does Sam though, and boy are these boys salty, because I like humor and post CW why not, but it's a thing on it's own, itchy leaves, maybe i'll finally give bucky his fucking plums, so salty you could mine them, the itchy leaves are for you constance, they wanted petty bucky and sam like the movies, they're back from pt 1 of the Tony a& the kids series, they're just going to cross over sometimes, this also doubles as a part of another series, this was requested by a friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 02:14:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8826412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Bucky Barnes hates Sam Wilson with a passion but he had to play nice most of the time for Steve. “I don’t regret ripping you wing off,” he tells Sam as soon as Steve is out of earshot, “or stealing your steering wheel.” “Well I don’t regret kicking you in the head. Repeatedly,” Sam counters. “I’m going to rip your wing off again,” Bucky growls back.“Then be prepared to be kicked in the head again!” Sam says back, hands on his hips and glaring at Bucky in annoyance. “Hey guys,” Steve says and they both lose the annoyed looks and obviously combative body language just as Steve rounds the corner, “there’s this new exhibit on dinosaurs at the Smithsonian and I was thinking of going. Wanna come?” he asks, looking as wholesome and hopeful as ever, glancing back and forth between Bucky and Sam.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place at the same time pt1 of Tony, T'Challa, and Their Gaggle of Children takes place, so it covers the events from a different perspective at points but this is it's own thing with it's own series of events. The series' will overlap at times because why not, but they are separate technically. The end bit of this touches on what Tony and the gaggle of children are up to, hence it being part two of the first one even though it technically takes place at the same time right up until the very end. 
> 
> This is for a friend who wanted more of Bucky and Sam being petty assholes to each other, so here I am finally getting to it.

Steve sits at the table reading the newspaper carefully with his coffee while Sam makes his and Bucky’s. Bucky was going to get a nice morning dose of salt instead of sugar but Sam wasn’t going to tell Steve that and Bucky was going to have to drink the whole damn thing or admit to Steve something was wrong. It was a game they had with each other, being a bunch of petty assholes to each other but because Sam is dating Steve and Bucky is his best friend the pretended to get along in front of him. Steve having no idea what they were doing with their prank wars made it all the better because in moments like this, where they all eat breakfast together while playing nice Sam got the deeply satisfying knowledge that Bucky was drinking salted coffee.

“Have you been reading the news lately about this Peter Parker kid and Tony?” Steve asks, “I don’t really want to believe that he has a fifteen year old he hasn’t told anyone about but this is pretty convincing.” Sam has read the news but he doubted that Peter was Tony’s kid, at least not biologically.

Bucky chooses then to walk in and Sam hands him his salted coffee wordlessly in part because Bucky was not a morning person at all and in part because he wanted Bucky to crawl under a bridge and never speak to him again. “Yeah I’ve seen the news. Pretty sure they’re making up stories again,” he says, sipping his coffee.

“I’m not sure about that. Tony has mentioned on more than one occasion how much he hates kids and he seems to be spending an awful lot of time with this one,” Steve points out. Bucky takes a sip of the coffee Sam handed to him and nearly jokes. “You okay Bucky?” Steve asks, all but jumping out of his seat to see what was wrong.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Bucky says, waving Steve off and going his best to not glare at Sam.

“Maybe if you drink more of that coffee it’ll help,” Sam says, smiling pleasantly at him. Steve, because he was truly glorious and wholesome, agrees with Sam before sitting back down to examine the newspaper. As soon as his head is buried in the paper Bucky glares hard at Sam but all he gets in response is a grin.

*

Bucky Barnes hates Sam Wilson with a passion but he had to play nice most of the time for Steve. “I don’t regret ripping you wing off,” he tells Sam as soon as Steve is out of earshot, “or stealing your steering wheel.”

“Well I don’t regret kicking you in the head. Repeatedly,” Sam counters.

“I’m going to rip your wing off again,” Bucky growls back.

“Then be prepared to be kicked in the head again!” Sam says back, hands on his hips and glaring at Bucky in annoyance.

“Hey guys,” Steve says and they both lose the annoyed looks and obviously combative body language just as Steve rounds the corner, “there’s this new exhibit on dinosaurs at the Smithsonian and I was thinking of going. Wanna come?” he asks, looking as wholesome and hopeful as ever, glancing back and forth between Bucky and Sam. They reluctantly agree because neither one of them had the heart to upset Steve. They do, however, continuously annoy each other all day by doing petty things like dumping ketchup all over Sam’s fries because he wouldn’t eat them unless the ketchup was in the corner. It was hardly Bucky’s fault he ‘didn’t know’. More fries for him.

*

Sam was pissed about those fries and he damn well knew Bucky knew about his eating habits too, he’s freakishly observant. Like more than Steve and it was likely due to PTSD but whatever. PTSD didn’t make someone a fry-stealing dick and Sam is going to get revenge just as soon as Steve stopped staring at the latest headline about Tony Stark’s _second_ illegitimate child. This one was a girl genius that supposedly reverse engineered his suit. The last bit was something Tony himself had confirmed; much to Sam’s surprise given how hard everyone else has tried- and failed- to recreate the suit. “Maybe that one is his kid, she did recreate the suit,” Sam says. The picture of her in the paper showed her smiling brightly in a lab coat with some award that she had won in a science-y competition for MIT. She just completed her first year at fifteen years old, only a year after Tony himself would have graduated.

Maybe she really was his kid. The eye shape was similar…

Steve looks at the picture of her skeptically, “um, maybe but uh… I mean she’s… um…”

“You mean she’s black,” Sam says bluntly. Steve’s who face turns scarlet with embarrassment but Sam shrugs, the guy was from the forties, of course there were going to be things he didn’t think of right away. In his time being _near_ Sam would have been illegal. How the hell he ended up being so open minded Sam had no idea but he wasn’t about to question it. “Her mother would obviously be black, she’d be mixed. I’m seriously wondering though, realistically genius like that doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” He knew because his own mother was a genius and so is he. She was some pissed when he joined the military instead of going to Harvard like he initially planned, but he’s a superhero now so he figured it out. Even if kids consistently mistook him for Hawkeye.

“Uh… yeah, alright, makes sense. She did make a suit,” Steve says awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Have you seen the hot dogs?” Sam asks in an attempt to save Steve from putting his foot in his mouth.

“They’re in the back of the fridge, third shelf,” Steve says, “why?”

“Just wondering,” Sam says.

*

Steve finds Bucky standing outside the bathroom at three in the morning with hot dog bits in his hair and a very grumpy look on his face. “What happened?” Steve asks, curious as to how Bucky ended up with hot dog in his hair when he was clearly going to shower. He had an odd schedule that he rarely broke from, but hot dogs rarely factored in…

Bucky glares at him, “I stabbed Li Shang,” he says with no explanation as to what that meant.

“I… you what?” he asks, frowning.

“Li Shang. I stabbed him. And all those hot dogs.” Bucky continues looking pissed and Steve signs, figuring it was probably best to investigate himself because Bucky wasn’t about to elaborate.

The bathroom, he discovers, has hot dogs hanging from fishing wire all over the room and in the shower was a now decimated cardboard cut out of Li Shang that Sam obviously put there. The hot dogs were clearly a distraction so Bucky didn’t see Shang’s shadow behind the curtain until he opened it. He sighs and decides to plan another day out with the two of them. They would like each other, Steve was sure, if they would just give each other a chance. Unfortunately the only time they weren’t setting out to inconvenience each other in the most bizarre and tedious of ways was when they were with him.

Well, there was still that list of things he needed to catch up on. Maybe he could get them to watch Star Trek with him. Sam loved Stark Trek, all he had to do was convince Bucky and leave them alone as little as possible so they had no chance to try and snip at each other. Then maybe, if he was _really_ lucky he could foster a conversation between them and then they would realize that the other wasn’t so bad and he’d never accidentally steal a pair of Sam’s boxers only to realize there was itching powder in them until he was out the door for his morning run.

*

When Sam gets home post op to find his fucking door covered over with dry wall with a picture of Bucky hung over a little table in front of it he nearly goes back to the hospital to beat Bucky’s unconscious ass. But he already had a head wound and Steve would give him a bunch of disapproving looks. Instead he breaks down the wall completely, puts it all in a garbage can, and carries it to Bucky’s room to dump it out on his bed. He takes the powder in the bottom and dumps it in his underwear drawer as revenge for both his and Steve’s itchy balls.

Steve gets home sometime later and informs him that Bucky is still unconscious and Sam plays concerned like a good boyfriend. In actually he was hardly worried- he’s seen Steve take worse so he knew Bucky would be fine, but his being unconscious gave him an idea…

The next day when he and Steve go to visit Bucky he has to think of several sad things to avoid laughing, like Bucky running his fries by putting the ketchup all over them instead of in the corner like a normal human. They find a nurse outside his room snickering hard but doing her best to keep quiet, not that it would stop Bucky from hearing her. He could hear everything and that just made this all the better for Sam. “C- Captain,” the nurse squeezes out, nodding at him before running off. Steve frowns but goes into Bucky’s room to check on him.

Sam can’t decide which part of the ensuing actions he likes better- Steve bursting into laughter or Bucky reaching up to rub his eye and realizing that there was something missing only to go flying into the bathroom. He lets out a sharp yell and runs back out, glaring at Sam, who was doing a good job at playing innocent if he did say so himself.

“Got a little close to the explosion there, Buck?” Steve asks, losing control and bursting into laughter at his own bad joke. Bucky glares over Steve’s bent form at Sam and he _grins_.

“If I was close to the explosion _all_ of my eyebrows would be gone, not just the front halves,” Bucky says through clenched teeth. His words inspire a new round of laughter and Sam finally breaks, bursting into laughter over Bucky’s horrible eyebrows. Only the tails were left and it was _hilarious_.

*

Sam has a sweet tooth, Bucky knows, because he always eats all his damn candy like the petty asshole that he is. So he goes out and gets onions, finding the roundest onions he can and bringing them home for his latest project.

Sam bursts into his room some time later holding an onion, “you _monster_! I thought Steve made me candy apples! I love candy apples and instead I find _this shit_!” he says, waving a candied onion around.

“Yeah, the last time he baked for you I liberated the note from the trash in preparation for feeding you candy onions. Do they taste good?” Bucky asks, tilting his head to the side. Sam throws the candy onion at him and he laughs as Sam stomps away. Next up was switching all the letters around on Sam’s keyboard.

*

Steve starts typing but it takes him a moment to realize something is missing. He hits a few keys and frowns, “Sam, come here for a second,” he yells. Sam comes pretty quickly, thankfully, because tech wasn’t exactly Steve’s strong suit. “This keyboard isn’t right,” he says and presses a key, “that is not an ‘o’, that is a ‘t’.” The unspoken question was _why_ the keyboard was doing that.

Sam examines the keys for a moment and rolls his eyes, “there isn’t anything wrong with the keyboard, some _jackass_ changed the keys around,” he says, glaring off in the direction of Bucky’s room.

“How do you know that though?” he asks. He was still trying to figure out the more mundane things- how to function in the field, he got that quickly, but functioning at home was slower to come to him.

“It’s a QWERTY keyboard and the keys no longer reflect that,” Sam says.

“What the hell is a quirky keyboard?”

“QWERTY,” Sam corrects, “and it’s just the way the letters are arranged on the keyboard. Except now all the letters are messed up. I’ll put them back later.” Steve sighs and decides he was going to need more than Stark Trek to fix this mess.

*

They all sit outside in the waiting room to hear back from the doctors and Steve looks like hell. Sam tries to comfort him the best he can but it was near useless after T’Challa’s earlier outburst. He understood objectively why T’Challa was upset but there was no way Steve could have predicted that Tony would be shot out of the sky like he was. He was alright, thankfully, but he was pretty hurt.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asks him when Steve goes to get something to drink. Sam waits a moment for the punch line or the prank but nothing comes.

“Shouldn’t you be asking Steve that?” he asks in lieu of answering the question.

“I know he isn’t okay, but I also know that’s he’ll be okay. I don’t know about you though- didn’t your best friend die falling out of the sky on a mission of some sort?” Bucky asks. If he didn’t sound so sincere Sam would think he was being a dick but it was clear he was being serious.

“Yeah. And I’m fine,” he says. It was mostly true anyways, Tony halfassed saved himself before he hit the ground, he just didn’t do a good enough job regaining control of the suit before gravity caught up with him. Didn’t stop Sam’s heart from hitting his throat but Tony was fine, he would be fine. He was a surprisingly difficult man to kill.

*

As expected Tony was fine and back to his usual sassy self within days, which meant Sam didn’t feel bad asking him for a favor. “Itchy leaves?” Tony asks, frowning a Sam.

“Yeah, I don’t know what they are but they are itchy as hell if you touch them. Kind of like poison ivy but way worse, T’Challa will know what they are,” he says. Or he hoped so considering it was a Wakandan plant.

“You want itchy leaves… why do you want itchy leaves?” Tony frowns a little, trying to figure out Sam’s motivation for requesting the plant.

“Just get me the itchy leaves,” Sam says, “I’ll owe you one.”

Tony makes a face, “I fix your wings, you owe me several and one for the itchy leaves. I’ll ask T’Challa about them.”

“Itchy leaves?” a new voice adds, “who needs itchy leaves?” Sam turns to find that Peter Parker kid looking in on the room with wide eyes and messy hair.

“Hey pip squeak, how was school?” Tony asks. He looks interested in the answer despite being exhausted too and Sam wonders if Tony really _is_ this kid’s father. But what about that other kid, the one from MIT? Did Tony happen to have two illegitimate kids around the same age? His sex life fifteen years ago certainly made it a possibility. Hell, at this point Tony could probably have hundreds of illegitimate children running around.

“Mostly okay. I think I passed my biology test,” Peter says, “thanks for helping me study!” Yeah, this kid was totally Tony’s kid. Why the hell else would he help him study for a biology test? The man had a company he helped run, a gig as a superhero, and a somewhat new relationship to nurture; he had no time for some random teen’s biology problems.

“Well I’m going to go now and leave you two to uh… bond. Remember what I told you to get, Stark,” he says.

He stands to go as Tony nods, “itchy pants, got it,” he says. Sam would correct him but he chooses to fall asleep then.

*

Bucky resists the urge to itch his entire body with a cactus as he plans out his latest prank. He only had a half an hour before Steve planned out a Star Wars marathon- which basically meant how many movies could they watch before Sam passed out. Thirty minutes, though, was more than enough to get his prank done and all set for tomorrow.

By the time Steve calls him to the living room he has replaced Sam’s deodorant and made his way back to the living room to play innocent. Sam gives him suspicious looks until he finally passes out and Bucky grins, looking forward to the morning.

Eight and a half hours later he is rewarded with Sam yelling and Steve laughing. His door flies open as soon as Steve leaves the house for his morning run, revealing one pissed off Sam holding his deodorant. “You replaced my deodorant with _cream cheese_? I hate you Barnes. I hope you step on Legos for the rest of your life while listening to the worst pop music known to man.”

*

When Sam nearly falls over the edge of a building after Villain of The Week almost throws him off he’s surprised it’s Bucky that catches him and pulls him back over the edge. He figured Spiderman would web him to the building or something, or that maybe Tony would catch him. “Thanks,” he says, half grateful half suspicious. Bucky grunts at him and runs off though, finding Villain of The Week and kicking _him_ over the edge of the building.

“No one gets to rip off Sam’s wings and kick him around but me,” he says after the guy falls. There was no way anyone but Sam heard that but okay.

“Screw you, Barnes,” he says but it’s in jest.

“For the love of god stop throwing villains off of high objects!” Iron Man yells at them. “You’re supposed to be heroes, you can’t go kicking people off buildings! They have to be brought to the police.”

“He started it, I just finished it,” Bucky says in his own defense.

“You _finished_ it? Finishing this is bringing the guy to justice, not murdering the man! You _are_ aware that kicking people off buildings kills them right? And murder is highly frowned upon on account of being humanity’s most heinous crime. Stop trying to kill people!” With that Iron Man flies off and Sam frowns.

“Is it just me or does the suit look a little different?” he asks.

“I think it’s shorter. Did Tony finally stop adding extra inches to feel tall?” Bucky asks, snickering at his own joke.

“Maybe. The gauntlets are definitely different though.” Sam was pretty sure there were other differences to the suit too, but he wasn’t sure and he’s never been close enough to examine it.

“Well Tony has definitely been different lately. Think that fall messed with his head because he has been really weird as of late,” Bucky points out.

“I’m sure he’s fine.”

*

“What is with them throwing people off buildings? They do it all the time!” Riri says, waving her hands around.

“It’s a big issue,” Peter confirms very seriously. Tony tries really, _really_ hard to take them seriously but it was hard not to laugh.

“Murder is not funny, Tony,” Riri says, hands planted on her hips.

“Guys, most of these villains are enhanced. Tossing them off buildings only slows them down, they don’t usually end up dead unless something goes particularly wrong and it’s usually a malfunction of the villain’s tech or magic that ends kills them, not us. Did you say you _lectured_ Sam about this? Do you have footage of his face?” he asks. T’Challa smacks his arm, giving him a look that tells him to behave. He ignores T’Challa because he _really_ wanted to see Sam’s face. He was owed for those itchy leaves that Tony accidentally touched, which resulted in his entire body feeling itchy for a solid two days. It was _hell_ but Sam got his stupid leaves.

“I still think that throwing villains off buildings is morally dubious,” Peter says, serious face still on. Tony can’t help but cackle laugh at him and he sighs, “just know that you did this to yourself,” Peter tells him, still very serious.

Two hours later Tony discovers that Peter tweeted to the entire world that he dyes his hair because it’s grey and he decides that he is not to be trifled with. He sends a note to the Avengers to stop fucking throwing people off buildings and sends out a tweet about kids saying the damndest things.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
